I rushed out of my apartment at 8am Sunday morning eager to avenge the loss to the Sharks my teammates suffered in my absence two weeks ago.( It was a shellacking!). It has actually been a trying two weeks as I suffered a groin pull playing for a loser football team, a metamorphosis from a loser softball team, and I have been continually f------ by nuns mostly through their lies and deceit (anyone Catholic here should stop reading and go hand in your membership-NUNS LIE) They give you performance appraisals that say you are doing a good job, and they say they are impressed with your portfolio, and they say you are a “good boy” and then they say you and the other high paid North American Trained teachers are out because you are not following the school’s mission. OH WHAT THE F--- IS THAT! Fear and intimidation, threats, condoning of bullying and student harassment, all the while one of them smiles constantly asking “how are you” or saying “we care about you” and then stabs you in the back!!! But I digress.

Driving to the game I felt like I was on a mission to KILL the Sharks(nuns) and when I made that illegal turn on Bei An Road onto the Datza Bridge, I didn’t see the cop who jumped out onto the road. But I was not afraid. He gave me the once over, and I was neither scared nor nervous and I showed it in my mean facial expression. My Chinese is not great (why should I learn, I live in Tien Mou) but I know some words and I can make out what is what depending on the situation. He told me that I made an illegal turn. I shrugged like Geoff Le Cren when someone tells him his sticks are s--- (only game in town!). The cop then used the only word he knew in English-“Passport?!” Without looking flustered, I pointed North to the promised land and mouthed the few Chinese words I know-“Tein Mou”. He then tried to lecture me about not having my passport but I cut him off by saying “I DON’T KNOW! At this he smiled like I was f----- but really I wasn’t and he looked the other way and said “How Lau”. I knew it wasn’t a trick and I didn’t even say thanks as I drove on, almost squealing away to catch the next lights (Everybody should own a copy of The Ugly American by authors William Lederer and Eugene Burdick and American Psycho by Bret Easton Elli).

The cop did not stop me, he only delayed. Arriving at the rink with ten minutes before the game was plenty of time. Then the anger was fueled even further. Rhino goaltender Andrew Tingley was absent. A call to his house revealed that he had just woken up and “will try to get there”. Plans were askew. How could Tingley f--- us like this? What to do, what to do? Dave Campbell! Say what you want about Dave Campbell-co-----ker, b----, bastard, loudmouth, ignoramus, idiot, fag-hag, s---, annoying, poser, “tough-guy wannabe”, uncontrollable, “worthless and weak” balding, impotent, c_nt, sexless, big nosed, fembot, gimpy, Bergie(elitist slang from Rexdale), “attitude problem” wanker, metal head, Calgarian, bogus, retarded-the guy shows up. He arrived at the rink to do the scoreboard and instead he was asked to play net. Although he hesitated, and made some gay excuse about his glasses fogging up, he “answered the call” and there are many guys that won’t do that.

Campbell was awful. The Rhinos played with desperation trying to keep the Sharks from shooting from anywhere. The one shot that Campbell got he kicked his pad out like he was trying to open up his legs and let it in. It was ugly. Then “the only real defensemen in the league” JP Grimard strayed from the plan and turned the puck over to league leading point getter, Matt “I never agreed with Campbell going in net, I wanted no goalie so I could pad my lead against league spark-plug Mal Turner” Stever. Stever never had it so good. Alone against “league crazy-man board member ‘I will fight anyone’ Campbell (with fogged up glasses!) and like a mongoose and cobra, it was a classic battle. Stever went left, then right, then faked, then pulled the puck back, flicked it up into the air behind his back and swatted it towards the net. A remarkable feat although expected from the league leader in points. Campbell waited, waited and waited until he saw the “tell” and slid over to make the save. The crowd went crazy punching in the air. This was the death nail for the Sharks. When Tingley finally arrived Campbell handed him a 2-1 lead. Pretty good for a great guy with anger management problems.

The rest of the game was pretty even with Matt Stever held pointless and Kevin Burns pretty much non-existent. But then in the third the Rhinos exploded and opened up a two goal lead with goals by me and Alex Whalen, and ever hard working Jimmy Thai (I didn’t know he was Vietnamese). The Sharks cut the deficit by one but the Rhinos were able to hang for a 6-5 win. While Tingley played horrible, he did make a remarkable save in the third on a shot by Kevin Burns. Tingley was down and the rebound went all the way to the point and Burns let a Howitzer go but Tingley was incredibly agile and raised his upper body and made the stop. It certainly saved the game. Which begs the question-which Tingley will show up for the playoffs?

And Jason scored on a tip in from the corner and his “sweet” little girlfriend later said, “It was good.”

Three stars